2/2/08

Sibling Saturday--Trying To Find My Place in this World

Raymond Pert assigned us our sibling assignment for the week. For this week's assignment, focus on one piece of music you listened to between the ages of twenty-five and thirty. If possible, post a video of this song, but not required. I guess you could make your own video if you wanted to.

With this piece of music, open the door to some aspect of yourself at this point in your life and what the song makes you think about in whatever way works for you.

Raymond Pert's is here, and Inland Empire Girl's post is here.

When Raymond Pert gave this assignment, he had no idea the memories it would stir up for me.

My years between 25 and 30 were filled with changes, heartache, and hard lessons.

If I had been writing this with pen and paper, and not on a laptop computer screen, you would see the splotches where the teardrops smudge the paper as I write these words.

Michael W. Smith’s song “Place in This World” defines where I was at during this time in my life. I was trying to find my place in the world. Trying to figure out who I was, and what was my purpose.





I went through many changes during this period in my life.

I went from working full time at a college, to working part time at a radio station.

My husband went from being a substitute high school teacher to an ordained minister and associate pastor at our church.

That means I became a Pastor’s wife as well.

I got pregnant. And with pregnancy came those dreaded hormones, that, for me, reeked a bit of havoc on my emotions that lasted for the next seven years, until my youngest turned two. It was time for a gray type of depression to rear its ugly head my way, it would seem.

The first time I knew something was up was when I was unable to sleep at night because I would lie in bed after PKR had gone to sleep, and sob worrying about our finances, and how we were going to pay the bills, and provide for this new baby.

After The Princess was born, she started having seizures, and I was overcome with worry and anxiety, not really knowing what this disorder was that had been passed on to my child through my father’s side of the family.

Then the decision was made for us to move from Glendive. It was time to take a leap of faith. We decided to move to Meridian, Idaho where PKR’s grandfather was pastor of a church. He said we could come and help with the youth group and get a small compensation from the church for helping.

So, it was toward the end of April and PKR’s parents and my mom traveled over to Glendive from Kellogg to help us move. PKR and his parents drove the UHaul to Meridian, and Mom and I drove our car with The Princess and our two cats Lynx and Jessie to Kellogg where I would spend a few weeks while PKR got settled, and find a job. His cousin put him on his crew building houses that summer. PKR then got hired by the Meridian School Distict to teach at Meridian Academy, the district’s alternative high school.

We moved in with Paul’s brother and his wife who were gracious enough to house us for a while. Looking for a rental was hard. Either they didn’t want cats, or babies. The tears returned. The doubts returned. Where is my place in this world? Why am I here, Lord?

Then a rental became available right by the church in Meridian, and we rented this two bedroom apartment for $50 more a month than we rented our huge three bedroom house in Glendive.

Life was not easy as a young mother in a new place in a small apartment. I slept a lot during the day. When the baby slept. It was hard, because I didn’t know how to be a mom. I had decided to be a stay at home mom, and I didn’t know how to do that, either. And I put tremendous pressure upon myself to do it right, but I feel like I screwed up at every turn.

I was tired. I didn’t want to clean the apartment. I was lonely. I had to learn how to get along with a new group of people, many of them I had known for years, but hadn’t ever been close to over a long period of time. I was discouraged. What was my place in this new world?

Over the years I have learned that I am a very creative person, and, unless I have a creative outlet, I can sink into despair. And those first few years in Meridian, I didn’t have a lot of creative outlets. I loved to sing in church, but my perception, (and this is totally my own perception), was that I wasn’t wanted or needed as a singer at the new church. This hurt, and left a large void in my creative soul that took years to heal.

I did some writing during this time, but not a lot. I went in spurts with creative projects, but I’m the type of person who needs people to say good job, and for a while there, I didn’t do anything for people to tell me good job. All I seemed to focus on was my failures. So the despair got worse.

Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world


During this time of darkness and despair, I searched for God’s light to help me, and He was there, helping me through. I learned through these tough years to forgive, and extend grace to those who had hurt me.

But, there are still choices I made during those days that haunt me. And some of those choices still lay heavy on my heart to this day, and I still can’t forgive myself.

And that is one of my biggest struggles right now…my inability to forgive myself.

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own...

I am down on my knees, still wondering sometimes if God hears me….wondering, when I have no doubt God forgives me, why can’t I forgive myself?

5 comments:

MarmiteToasty said...

Wow....... sorta speachless right now.....

yep crying to lol

x

Katrina said...

I love the words to that song. Thanks for sharing those memories!

Go Figure said...

I haven't read it, but now I am afraid I must, "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light". The Robert Kellerma review of it states, in part...by continuing to serve others while experiencing the absence of the presence of God, one is exhibiting the hightest level of faith. It is 'the dark night of the soul.' He states that "Luther developed an entire 'theology of the Cross' to explain the paradox of a God who is most present in His very absence." I would suggest that perhaps one's inability to forgive themself is a fundamental foundation of a solid faith in the Lord. I know that this thought gave me some level of comfort when pondering your brilliant post.

Silver Valley Girl said...

MT and Katrina--Thanks for the nice words.

Go Figure--Thank you so much for your take on what I wrote. I hadn't even thought of it in that way, but I love the thought that our greatest faith comes when we feel an absence of God, or that darkness of the soul. And the Mother Teresa book sounds like a book I would like to read as well. Again, I really appreciated your comments.

Inland Empire Girl said...

One of your best sibling posts. The amazing part of this whole time of your life is how you just kept going and put on your " I am doing fine " face to the world.